The Seven Big Myths About Marriage: Wisdom From Faith, Philosophy, and Science about Happiness and Love. By Christopher Kaczor and Jennifer Kaczor. Ignatius Press, 2014.
Marriage is many things, but it is almost never easy. Christopher and Jennifer Kaczor have written a book, The Seven Big Myths About Marriage: Wisdom From Faith, Philosophy, and Science about Happiness and Love, which discusses certain false assumptions and outright lies that can poison marriages. People can go into marriage with completely misguided expectations, and in today’s divorce-saturated culture, marriages have never been more vulnerable. The Kaczors are not using their marriage as a model for all of their readers to follow, but they are making it clear that they have experienced many of the trials and tribulations that most married couples have, and they have written this book to help people realize just what to expect from the “duel to the death which no man of honour should decline,” as G.K. Chesterton phrased it in his novel Manalive.
Flawed approaches to married life can cripple happiness, and the Kaczors have identified seven myths about marriage that need to be confronted.
The seven myths the Kaczors address are:
1. “Love is Simple.”
2. “Marriage Is a Fifty-Fifty Contract.”
3. “Love Alone Makes a Marriage.”
4. “Cohabitation Is Just Like Marriage.”
5. “Premarital Sex Is No Big Deal.”
6. “Children Are Irrelevant to Marriage.”
7. “All Reproductive Choices Are Equal.”
Each chapter in this book takes on one of these myths. For example, the second myth is counteracted with a rebuttal: “Marriage is one hundred percent, divorce is fifty-fifty.” The first and third myths are not meant to denigrate or belittle the role of love in marriage, but they do point out that love is complicated, because it is always mixed with other emotions and continually fluctuating situations. Love is integral to a marriage, but so are friendship, respect, and partnership skills. Some of these assertions are controversial, but the Kaczors provide strong evidence to support their positions based on logical critiques and personal experience. Even if certain people aren’t convinced by some of the Kaczors’ opinions, the Kaczors’ presentations of how certain situations are either different from marriage or potentially detrimental to a happy marriage can help people to look at certain perspectives in a radically different way.
Throughout the book, the Kaczors dig into the very heart of what it means to be married. People enter marriages for widely different reasons. Some want comfort, some want stability, and others simply can’t stand to be alone anymore, to list just a handful of reasons for getting married. One universal motive for marriage is happiness. Whether it is by finding true love, having children, achieving financial comfort, having a home, or any combination of these reasons, people enter marriages with hopes of being happy. The Kaczors address such searches for happiness by explaining that the search for happiness is not always a good thing:
“Different kinds of people seek happiness in different ways. Robert J. Spitzer, S.J., in his book Healing the Culture, distinguishes four different kinds of activities that people do in seeking happiness. The hedonist seeks happiness in bodily pleasure obtained by food, drink, drugs, or sex. The hedonist seeks what Spitzer calls level one happiness. The egoist seeks happiness in competitive advantage over other people in terms of money, fame, power, popularity, or other material goods. This Spitzer calls level two happiness. At level three, the altruist seeks happiness through loving and serving other people. And at level four, the altruist of faith, or the spiritual altruist, seeks happiness in loving and serving God and the image of God found in every human person.
We can group the hedonist and the egoist together. They are two varieties of fundamentally selfish persons. We can also group the altruist and the altruist of faith together. They are two kinds of generous, loving persons. Indeed, the altruist or altruist of faith is not just a good person but an excellent person.” (pp. 13-14).
The Kaczors argue that improper motives for getting married or misguided hopes for marriage are bound to lead to unhappiness in the long run. Too often, getting married is believed to lead to “happily ever after.” In reality, marriage is only the first step in an ideally lifelong process of hard work and sacrifice that can produce significant dividends in the long run if both partners are prepared to put all of the necessary effort into the marriage.
“Yet, although marriage does not guarantee happiness, it does provide a concrete and realistic path to happiness. If someone says, “I’m going to get into shape this year” and leaves it at that, it is unlikely that the person will get in shape. By contrast, if someone says, “I’m going to walk for fifty minutes each day at 8:30 A.M.,” that is more likely to happen. The resolution is concrete, specific, and actionable. In like manner, the married person does not say simply, “I’ll love and serve somebody sometime.” The married person has a very concrete and specific person to love. Spouses vow to love one another “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, in good times and in bad.” What exactly is this love that spouses promise? It turns out that the answer to this question is more complicated and interesting than I had ever imagined.” (p. 35).
Love ought to be at the heart of a marriage, but married love is not simple because it is a way of life rather than an uncomplicated state of being. Marriage should not be viewed as a guarantee of happiness, but it should be viewed as a means of achieving happiness. The Kaczors note that love can purify, but only if used properly.
“In a shallow sense, everyone already knows what love is. We hear people say, “I love my best friend,” “I love my fiancé,” and “I love my daughter.” Yet love for a best friend, love for a fiancé, and love for a daughter are obviously not in all respects the same. So love is a multifaceted concept.
Still, every kind of love is alike in three elements: willing what is good for the beloved, an appreciation for the beloved, and a desire for unity with the beloved. The form that these three elements takes, however, varies according to the kind of love involved.” (p. 37).
Furthermore, love is more than just affection between two people. The authors assert that love is also an indicator of people’s relationships with God.
“For the Christian, love of neighbor is an obligation, an obligation that when fulfilled leads to deeper happiness. The two great commandments given by Jesus make this clear: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind… You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt 22:37, 39). If we truly love God, we will also love people, for they are made in his image and likeness. We cannot truly love God without also loving our neighbor. In the words of Dorothy Day, “I really only love God as much as I love the person I love the least.” Indeed, the teachings of Jesus point us toward higher levels of happiness by guiding us toward this love: “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you, that you also love one another” (Jn 13:34). As portrayed in the Gospels, the love of Jesus is universal, extending even to those who are generally hated and ostracized in society– the tax collector, the leper, the adulterer, and the their. Christians are called to love in a similar way– universally, unconditionally, and sacrificially. This love is always dynamic because it responds to changes in the beloved as well as changes in the relationship.” (p. 30).
The Kaczor’s depiction of married life may challenge some readers. Marriage for the Kaczors is more than just the relationship between two people, it is a means for the creations of new lives and the development of a family. The Kaczors argue that sex is more than a means of attaining physical pleasure, and that marriage means full devotion, rather than just taking what one can get in order to find personal happiness. This book is an important read for those considering entering marriage and couples who are already married.
–Chris Chan
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